Haven't had a good rant in a while...

I love my mother so much. She has struggled so much for me all these 28 years...and even before, back in the time when she was still pregnant with me. But from time to time, she has been driving me nuts. And she drove me raging yesterday.

I haven't had a decent vacation this summer yet. The only one about to come will be next week...after I have long tried to make time for it. I will be going to Siargao...just one decent vacation. And she raised hell about it last night all because the maid is going away for the weekend. What did she say? "Sige, lumayas na kayo lahat." Damn it.

I'm not doing anything bad, as far as I know. I still do the responsibilities I have back home. I leave everything I have to do once she needs me. Hell, I even slipped out of an office activity where people were relying one me [and one activity where the big people were there i.e. the Chancellor, the Vice-Chancellor for Acadmic Affairs, the University Librarian, the Dean of the College, the Department Chair] all because she got mad that there was no food waiting for her at home all because the maid decided to leave without leaving something for her, and I had been at work since early morning. I bought her dinner, went home, waited for her, then left once she was done with dinner. Did she even consider the fact that I abandoned my responsibility at work because of her? Fuck, no.

My mother doesn't think my job is important. She can't see why I need to be at work even after my classes are over. Hell, my official work hours are 8 hours daily, like any other employee. It just so happened that I'm not tied to the dictates of the bundy clock. It's not my fault my working hours are such. From the moment I entered UP, it has always been like that.

I love my work, but she doesn't think I should be working too hard because I do not have additional pay. I'm a government employee, for chrissake! Salary increases for workers like me is a national issue.

My mom thinks that if I don't go to work, nothing much will be affected. Kasi, nagtuturo lang naman daw ako. Hell, I don't even want to remember she was also a teacher before.

She thinks my work is not as important as her work...because her whole damned office will not function if she's not around. Her people rely on her, she's needed, but the world will still go on. It's not like the whole department store will stop operations just because she's not around.

I love my job. I love my job so much because it had become a vocation for me, not just a source of income. I love my job as much as she loves hers.

She wants me to go abroad to seek the proverbial greener pasture. I don't want to go abroad to work. Call me pathetic, but would feel so ashamed of myself for turning my back on my country after all the efforts that the taxpayers have gone through to send me to school. I do not--would not--condemn others who would want to work overseas, but staying here is what I want.

Right now, I'm on a journey to look for an online partner for my mother. Partly, I need to get her off my back. Mostly, I think a companiion would do her good. I cannot be around forever for her.

I could've moved out a long time ago if I wanted to. After all, I'm already 28 freakin' years old [same age she was when she gave birth to me]. Yet I didn't move out not because I can't afford it. I didn't move out not because I couldn't get married yet. I didn't move out because I wanted my freedom.

I didn't move out because I wanted to be with her. I didn't move out because I want to spend time with her before I get married two years from now. I want to spend as much time as I could with her because we both know my priorities will change once I start my own family.

But sometimes, she makes me feel I regret my decision to stay.

Mom, I'm not a child anymore. I will tell you where I would be going and stuff so you will know where I am, not because I'm asking for you to grant me permission.

I admit I can fall down, but I know I can rise because you taught me to. I can make decisions for myself which I may regret, but from which I can learn. I don't need someone to hold my hand whenever I walk because I already know how to. But I NEED someone who will keep an eye on me just to see if I can make it on my own.

I'm not a child anymore. Please, let me live my age.

You really piss me off...

Alam ko may pinariringgan ka. Nakakainis ka. I hate the way you try to twist my words and make them come out as your own. "I don't know how to talk to other people anymore." Blah! Weren't those my approaching words to you? May ginawa ka ba? Wala...except copy my words and put them in your mouth as your own.

As much as possible, I would not want to deal with this or with you anymore. Nahihirapan sa atin si Bhex because she's torn. I don't want her to go through the burden of trying to make us agree on something because God knows she has a lot in her hands.

Yes, I know it's a very strong thing to say, but, yes, I do hate you.