I'll be flying home to Bulacan (my home province) and I'm not happy about it.

I'm going home because my grandfather passed away early this morning.

My Ghost...

Don't you just hate it when you forget things you need to remember and remember things you need to forget?

You tell yourself you're fine and you try to act like it but you know you're never a good actress when it comes to hiding your own feelings. You read his text message, a few lines he'd sent ages ago which you've written down and kept in your notebook for memory's sake. "So how about it? One last date for old time's sake, to relive what was lost and celebrate what could've been?"

And you're affected because you never had any form of closure.

You recall the date that did push through that started from SM North Edsa to your humble house in Bulacan. You had McChicken burger to go along the way. You discussed about life, exchanged funny anecdotes, cited potential partners (which, in his case meant his current partner, as he was already committed to someone), did some orgmate bashing. You tried to talk about anything except how you two felt for each other. You felt there was no need to.

But you did talk about the "could've been's" of your past. You talked about why you liked each other to the point of loving each other. You talked about your feelings. And you never ceased to wonder why you two never ended up together. You two have the same odd tastes for Gundams and Evangelions, you both loved only two Batman movies because they were made by Tim Burton while you thought the other Batmans sucked, you both have this uncanny penchant for knowing what the other is thinking all the time. You're the only friend he has who calls him by his family nickname and he's the only friend you have who never hesitated to buy you a pack of sanitary napkins from the Coop when you needed one.

Sometimes you think he's your soulmate, if you're the type who really believes in one. On the other hand, you try to think he's not your soulmate because it only makes you feel worse you're not with him.

And then he kissed you, even if he already had somebody else. Then you just brushed it all off because you think it was just something that was supposed to have happened a long time ago but didn't because you weren't really together then officially.

But he told you afterwards that he still loved you and you had no choice but to lie through your teeth by telling him you didn't love him because the truth of the matter was that you loved him but you didn't want to complicate his relationship with his girlfriend.

And you were affected then because you thought you had closure but you only ended up opening a possible relationship which should have happened even before his girlfriend came into the picture.

You moved down south to live your life, kept in touch with him, purposely avoiding any talk you might have about the two of you. And everything was fine until he told you his girlfriend cheated on him. And you wanted to skin this girlfriend alive, berating yourself at the same time why you hadn't allowed the two of you to end up together. And you hated him because he got back with her anyway.

And in that time of separation--physically and emotionally--you found someone who really loved you back, and moved on. Yet some strange forces moved you two back together again chatting like old friends. And you purposefully avoided talking about the two of you together because you felt it wasn't needed. After all, he had her and you have your own.

Suddenly, everything seemed fine. You two chat like platonic old friends even if deep down, you were anything but platonic friends. You both pretended to be happy for each other for having that significant someone yet you hated him for being with her and you know he hated you for being with someone else. And for a moment, you put up with this farce until he told you he's getting married on the eve of his wedding. And you know you should've been happy. You just don't know why it hurt. And from that day on, you cut all ties with him...or at least you force yourself to cut all ties with him. But you couldn't because you still have his number on your speed dial, even if you have succeeded in telling yourself never to call him again.

You decide to stalk him and your standards of "stalk" would mean viewing his Friendster profile. And since you hadn't known about the anonymous setting, he learned you look into his account. And you know because he also looked into yours. And one day, out of the blue, you stalk him again--anonymously this time--only to see an ultrasonolographic image of a baby: their baby.

It was then you realize you have to stop. But you can't help but wonder...what if?

Friday the 13th

The day for me is still young, but I've already managed to:

1.) Avoid hitting a Mitsubushi Adventure on my way to drive my mom to work
2.) Narrowly avoid being hit by a raging oil truck.

I hope nothing of similar sorts would come my way today...or ever.

It's not that I totally believe in the so-called "curse of Friday the 13th." I know it's just a day. It's just sometimes, it's seems better to blame the day than remember that majority of the mishaps could've been avoided had I been more careful. For one, the day won't fight back...and you could save yourself the trouble of calling yourself clumsy.

But...that's just my opinion.

Lesson learned...

You can't tell who your true friends are until you find out what they've been doing to you behind your back.

Caught in between...

This is how two bestfriends from way back in college react to uncertainties...

Speechless

Today, someone told me, "You know, you excel and stand out even when you don't try...and you excel and stand out even more if you do."

I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. So, I just smiled, hoping it was the right thing to do.

Post-birthday Musing...

Last April 3, I turned 30. Unlike some people, I don't consider my birthday a scourge. I don't see the point of feeling miserable whenever my birthday comes around. If anything, it's a chance for me to thank God for letting me get this far and to hope that He will give me more.

I guess the only thing that would make me feel sad about a birthday is realizing that I wasn't able to do something that I could've done.

There are 30 things I should've done before I had turned 30: I wish I had...

1) ...learned to drive at an earlier age.
2) ...submitted an article for Youngblood.
3) ...learned to play a musical instrument.
4) ...gotten married.
5) ...gotten pregnant.
6) ...trekked up the majestic Mt. Apo.
7) ...learned enough swimming to survive.
8) ...learned Photoshop.
9) ...earned my master's degree.
10) ...solved the Rubik's Cube.
11) ...donated blood.
12) ...written anything worth publishing.
13) ...been brave enough to let that person know how much I cared.
14) ...gone overseas, if only for a day.
15) ...secured a passport.
16) ...saved enough money in the bank.
17) ...learned Nihongo. Seriously.
18) ...been more organized with my things.
19) ...started a scrapbook.
20) ...started a travelogue.
21) ...tried surfing when I went to Siargao.
22) ...engaged myself in any sport.
23) ...applied for a scholarship grant abroad.
24) ...gotten an insurance policy.
25) ...put up my own webpage.
26) ...taken a stab at the Palanca Awards.
27) ...started a small business.
28) ...learned how to handle my finances [that is, if there's any to handle].
29) ...done something to make my mom proud of me.
30) ...done something significant for the world.

But as optimistic as I tend to be, maybe I will have my chance at fulfilling some things on the list before I turn 40.